Vulnerable: Making Connections
When my children were little, I often took them to a state park near where we lived in Maryland that had a sandy beach and swimming area. On this one occasion, my son wore a hat from the Durham Bulls, a minor league baseball team in North Carolina.
Another family recognized the team logo, and we began talking. It turned out they also used to live in North Carolina. Then, they mentioned that they had gone to Duke, and I said, oh, I went to Duke, too. After a couple of minutes, I added that I’d gone to Duke’s Divinity School, for seminary, and that I’m a pastor. (You never know how people are going to react when you tell them you’re a pastor.) In astonishment, they replied that they’d also gone to Duke Divinity School and were now professors of religion! We were all three hesitant to admit that we’d gone to seminary, because we weren’t sure how the other person would react.
We were hesitant because it had the potential to put us in a vulnerable position. Some people have strong opinions about religion that turn into strong reactions to clergy. Many of my colleagues have told me that they are intentionally vague about their jobs when talking with their seatmate on an airplane. Often, we are either treated to the seatmate’s life story or given hostile silent treatment. It rarely goes any other way. This encounter at the park was one of the few exceptions for me.
Yet, when we were both honest about our background, we found a shared commonality. We were able to make a stronger connection than simply both being parents of young children. In fact, the deepest connection we made was over this shared vulnerability around what happens when we share our job titles. We bonded over our shared risk.
One summer as a pastor, I asked to lunch those of my parishioners who I had not gotten to know very well yet. During one such lunch, the conversation went along okay for most of the meal, until near the end when the parishioner disclosed their chronic disease to me and how it affects their daily life in order to manage it. When they were willing to vulnerable with me, their pastor, then I could share more about my own vulnerability with my chronic disease. Then, the conversation became more animated for both of us. Then, our relationship deepened, as we understood each other better and on a deeper level. Making that connection completely changed the conversation and our relationship going forward.
Making a connection over a shared vulnerability is the reason behind support groups. They are communities that say, “Hey, we know you’re vulnerable. What’s more, we’re vulnerable in the same way. And, just as important, this community is a safe space. Your vulnerability is safe here. It will not be exploited or held against you. You are not alone.”
When we make a connection over a shared vulnerability (some might even use the word ‘weakness’), it creates a strong bond. We understand each other on a different level when we know from personal experience what another person is going through. When you share your experiences, don’t be afraid to share times when you were (or are) vulnerable. You will find that you are not as alone as you might think you are.