The Sunday before Lent begins is Transfiguration Sunday. The central story is when Jesus takes a couple of disciples up a mountain and is transformed in their presence. The disciples are at a loss with how to make meaning of this experience. They don’t know what to say. They don’t know what to do. As you know if you’ve undergone a transformation, some people won’t know what to make of your change, either. In other words, they don’t know how to read your new map.
Some new maps are relatively easy to interpret. We know that a caterpillar’s end goal is to spin a cocoon and become a butterfly. Similarly, seeds are planted, break open in the earth, and grow into shoots. In fact, the seed has to transform in order to flourish and bear fruit (Jesus points out this requirement in John 12:26). The caterpillar has to transform in order to complete its life cycle as a butterfly. These changes we understand as natural and normal. When a person undergoes a transformation, however, we sometimes struggle more with what meaning to make of it.
A couple weeks ago I referenced the Marauder’s Map from Harry Potter. This map is a blank piece of parchment until the magic words are uttered: “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” This perspective is how some people will react to your transformation, that it is a result of you being up to no good. They will assign a negative value to your change. Friends may not respond positively to what you see as positive changes. It may take them a minute to catch up to the new you, because they need a minute to grieve the old you. While they grieve, they may try to shame you, guilt you, or be otherwise unsupportive. It’s worth noting that, while this behavior is understandable (in that one can understand the reasons behind it), that doesn’t make it okay to shame or guilt people. Sometimes we even respond with guilt or shame to our own changes, especially when they are changes that were forced upon us.
One reason for this lack of support is because systems don’t like change. Systems are designed to stay the same and to keep the status quo intact. When one part of a system changes, such as a family member in a family system or a friend in a support system, then the system has to adapt to that change. Sometimes the change will be outright rejected. Other times, over time, the system will gradually adapt. Systems don’t like to change, yet paradoxically they have to change, or they will not survive.
Other times, it may simply be that you have surprised your friend who was unaware that this process was happening. For example, parents don’t recognize their children’s growth as much as extended family who don’t see the children as often. Then it’s much more apparent. Some people don’t react to surprises very well; some think that they should have seen the change coming and they’re actually mad at themselves when they lash out at you.
Whatever the reason, it’s important to find people who are supportive and have good intentions, even if it comes out of their mouth in a less-than-helpful manner (which hopefully they will realize). They may need a minute to grieve the caterpillar, because they liked who you were. Generally, we don’t grieve the caterpillar because we recognize that this is the lifecycle of this insect. For a child who has collected caterpillars, however, there might be some grief in their loss. You can know the transformation is coming and is supposed to come and you can still also grieve it at the same time. There was nothing wrong with the caterpillar; no reason to shame it for doing what it was created to do.
At the same time, the butterfly cannot become a caterpillar again. There is no going back in the process, or the organism will die. Transformation is necessary for life. To change, and to continually change, is to live and grow and adapt, even as adults.