Healing: Feeling Seen
A couple months ago, near the end of a night shift at the hospital, I emerged from the sleep room to go to the cafeteria for breakfast. First, I passed the receptionist for the waiting room. She greeted me and commented on how it was a relatively uneventful night, and that I’ve had some eventful nights! Now, I think I’ve had some crazy nights, but for the receptionist to also recognize that made me feel affirmed and validated. Someone else had noticed. Then, in the hallway on the way to the cafeteria I ran into another chaplain who asked me about the night, and then commented, “And you’ve had some rough nights!” It was another un-looked-for affirmation and validation of my work. I didn’t think I needed the acknowledgement by others, but it felt good to be noticed. Being seen, feeling seen, makes such a difference. Having my thoughts spoken out loud by others made a difference to me. My initial reaction was that I didn’t know I needed the acknowledgement out loud until it was said. On further reflection, I still don’t know that I needed it, but it certainly felt like a sigh of relief, an exhale to a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.
We can think we’ve been through something; we can normalize it that everyone goes through it, but external validation of that experience is healing. Feeling seen and heard is healing. You can do your work quietly and unobserved, and you may never be noticed for everything you do, but when someone else recognizes and acknowledges you, it can make all the difference in the world. We don’t act to be noticed (usually). A lot of us work behind the scenes and prefer to be unnoticed. However, for one person to notice and say something can bring healing. It can bring joy and peace.
The first time I remember this connection of feeling seen and healing happened in my early 20s. At the time, I was involved in a lot of hurricane clean-up work in eastern North Carolina through my church.
Growing up, I always felt like I was battling the stereotypes of the dumb blonde (my hair was much lighter when I was younger) and helpless/weak female. The need to prove I wasn’t dumb or helpless was especially strong when I was in high school and college.
Here is what I wrote about a particular clean-up trip when I was 23 years old and felt seen:
It was a moment of healing. Rather than offering to do the work for me, or ignoring my presence, a man on the team told me, “Heather, I know you can do it. You don’t have to prove it to me. Just let me know when you’re ready for a break.” It felt so good to hear that. Finally, I could stop proving what I’m capable of doing. Finally, I’m starting to feel it’s ok to acknowledge my limitations without them being seen as weaknesses.
It was healing to be told that I didn’t need to prove anything. It was healing for my abilities to be validated and affirmed instead of dismissed or ignored because of my gender or hair color. It was healing to be seen. It was healing for this man to frame his offer of help as taking his turn after me instead of taking over or doing it for me.
There are times when someone says something, often dismissively, and we feel totally un-seen and un-heard and often feel powerless to do anything about it. There are still times when someone offers to do my work for me, that I’m perfectly capable of doing, or ignores my presence altogether. Those times still hurt, especially when I feel defensive but don’t want to snap back at the other person. (The “good girl myth,” that says you must be gracious at all times, is a whole other post.)
Who can you see this week? And let them know that you see them? Who is often ignored or dismissed, whose presence you can instead validate and affirm? Make it a point to see them and contribute to their healing. It contributes to your healing as well.